The Feelings | Retreat

For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to go through the trials and heartache of infertility, one thing I didn’t realise is that we will always be stuck with the disappointment and pain that was, even many many years after a success.
For me, one thing I have been really grappling to deal with during these last few months of IVF is the feeling and need to retreat.
This feeling of needing to retreat doesn’t discriminate, it includes retreating from my friends, my family, my husband and to be honest, life in general.
I am just so sad.
Who would want to be around someone who’s always like that?
So it’s just easier to not engage. Some days a phone call to the best friend is exactly what you felt like you needed...until they start going on and on about baby number 2,
 and how they are so scared it won’t work for them straight away like the first child they have, and how they are mad their husband isn’t ready yet.
I can honestly feel my eyes glaze over and the black hole inside my heart start to pull me in.
This has bought me to the mindset that maybe I should just start preparing for a life without children.
Because we both know we can’t afford to keep doing IVF for much longer.

I put it in the category of what it’s like to have a gambling addiction; “Just one more try and maybe this will be our lucky day!" or "It’s only a few thousand dollars after all, I’ll just work harder & longer”, I say to myself.

The potential to have the most wonderful life, if only you could catch a break.
As they say, it only takes one. Like the pokies or the lottery, the odds are most definitely stacked against us. Yet it is utterly all consuming.

Often I catch myself mid-daydream on what life could be like.
The pure joy of meeting our own little one for the very first time, the laughs and smiles, the cute items I can buy to spoil them with.
But the thing that I yearn for the most is watching them learn. I can’t wait for the moments watching them play in the dirt, learning to crawl or seeing the face they pull when tasting a lemon for the first time. Then reality comes crashing back in and my heart breaks all over again, because this may never be us. We may never get the chance to have a child.

But once again, all I can do is wait and keep my fingers crossed, just hoping for a bloody miracle.

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