That moment when you can somewhat feel the hope slide back in, even though this will be your second attempt at an IVF transfer, after eleventy billion visits from god damned Aunt flow, and finally deciding that the shit show of naturally trying to conceive is over.
Anyways, four and a half years ago, and the excitement that OMG, we are actually about to start trying for a baby!
Quick lets pick names! Look online for cots & prams, and would you just look at that little outfit I must have it now! It will be too small by next winter anyway, but surely I can save it for baby #2?
Skip ahead a few months and shark week is getting increasingly worse and harder to deal with; pain & emotion wise.
And all of a sudden 12 months has passed and you have finally clicked that something ain’t right downstairs.
Ok cool, thanks for nothing doc.
Let’s fast forward again another 6 months, and finally we have been able to get an appointment with a “fertility specialist” (again, air quotes, fucking useless), who felt the need to take me back to high school with a lesson on how babies are made (insert facepalm) and again a matching pat on the back.
Finally I get referred for surgery to take a look around, “30 mins tops” Susan says, “you’ll be back at work in 4 days”...
"Oh I've so got this, piece of piss!" I think to myself, whilst simultaneously shitting bricks because even a tiny needle makes me want to puke.
Turns out old Suze was super surprised at the 4 hour surgery and the extensive endometriosis and ovarian cysts inside.
I suppose I was too, but yeah sweet, that should fix me right up and I’ll be holding my long awaited baby in like 10 months?.... I think you can see where this is headed.
Absolutely no amount of holidays, meditation, legs in the air, this style, that style, top, bottom, fertility herbs, crystals, diets, magic pills, relaxing (and the other 72 other things) worked.
Roll on another 18 months, getting married, honeymoon, the loss of a grand parent, enough family drama to shake a stick or four at 97% of people I know who were having babies, and we were still no better off; Well I have a cool crystal collection going on but yeah, you know, I was OVER IT!
My abdominal pain had steadily been declining and to difficult to bare on an every day basis.
Turns out endometriosis can get that bad it’s not just when you’re on your rags. Fucking you beauty!
This resulted in me only producing 1 measly follicle and the hard decision to cancel the round and go off for another surgery, this time in the city.
Wind the clock forward another YEAR and we are now on track after FINALLY having found wonderfully skilled surgeons who were able to remove my cysts and much much more endometriosis, from my bladder and bowel...
Yassss for quality of life!
Sorry, got sidetracked there...
Scan, after scan after scan.
A 5 hour return drive each time. Tears, mood swings, hot flushes and general craziness later we were blessed with 12 EGGIES!!
5 days later we had 5 blastocysts (an embryo that has grown to day 5), and off for a fresh IVF transfer with EVERYTHING looking perfect.
Turns out, it wasn’t perfect enough and the transfer failed...
So here we are, a month later, a nice chubby uterine lining (fuzzy black ultrasound image courtesy of aforementioned dildo camera), from oestrogen pills, and tomorrow starts the fun part of progesterone vaginal pills.
Funnily enough on my birthday.
Yay! this is so fun!...said literally nobody ever.
So all in all, here’s to feeling like arse, wondering how the hell we ended up here and hoping like absolute fuck that this shit finally works.
Alternatively there are several support groups available for women going through the journey of trying to conceive, if you need some support. Reach out.